on loneliness

these days i feel very alone — more abandoned than lonely, i suppose. the two words are from entirely different worlds, but it seems that by a common orbit they cross paths in some ways. besides being unable to return to campus, or having a structure to my days, i haven't been in contact with anyone else outside my family in so long. all of this combines to produce an abhorrent mix of estrangement and solitude — thus i justify my use of the word abandonment.

these days i take especially long to transition between tasks. my phone and various other screens i have at my disposal serve as buffers for my experience of the passage of time. i relish the feeling of laying in bed with no predispositions, no agendas, and no one to judge me for my blissful escapism. except myself.

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i wish this was a proper essay with a thesis well defined and a nice little resolution as a conclusion, but owing to my fondness for realism, i choose not to fake a treaty with my loneliness abandonment. on the other hand, i am still very much in a derelict state of mind over this quarantine limbo. most people seem to have adjusted well enough to the pandemic, but my life at home is so, so sadly restricted to four slabs of concrete.

sometimes i wonder if the bridges id burned in the past took up all my strength. was it all that i had?

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a while ago i found this video on youtube.

the instructions haven't completely sunk in yet, but i can tell they'e good. :—)